How a curious kid with "weird" longings became a guide for profound transformation
Growing up, I was a curious kid - maybe a little precocious. I developed into a curious adult - still a little precocious.
I was secretly fascinated by BDSM, but I didn't really know what it was about. I sort of felt I understood, but I was too lazy and maybe too scared to actually go out into the world and explore. Plus, I didn’t know where to go.
There were lots of books out there - some lurid, some educational. I actually preferred the lurid ones, but I felt ashamed for being drawn to this.
And also - I never felt attracted to the leather scene. Or, I was attracted, but I knew I didn’t belong there. I was a well-raised, middle class kid with longings that didn't seem to have a place anywhere.
For years, I felt like an outsider harbouring a secret.
The Cinema Meeting That Changed Everything
Then one evening, sitting in a cinema waiting for a film to start, everything changed.
A young woman sat down beside me. We started talking. We liked each other. We went for drinks. A little later, we kissed. By the end of the night, she started telling me about her BDSM experiences - not the sexual details, but the transformation she had gone through.
I had found whom I’d been looking for.
We became intimate friends, and we began to experiment together. I brought curiosity; she brought actual experience and a willingness to explore.
The Gift I Didn't Know How to Unwrap
After that cinema meeting, I felt like I'd been given a gift - except I didn't know what the gift was.
I could now make my former fantasies real, but the problem with fantasies is they're like hazy clouds. They're not something you can actually turn into practice, because you don't really know what you're fantasizing about. They're all just separate images and a feeling inside that you can't put a name to.
I wanted to be more experienced than I was - I was completely inexperienced but trying to seem competent.
I had no framework for setting up scenes, so my sessions were more like random events. I didn't understand the mindset of the people I was playing with. I needed to experiment with that but didn't know how. I was scared of causing actual damage because I didn't know what was dangerous versus what just seemed dangerous.
I talked constantly during sessions - as much to guide myself through it as them.
So I struggled not just with the practice becoming real, but with redefining myself as someone who was actually doing this - and knew what it was he was doing…
The Teacher Who Showed Me Rhythm
Then I met someone - a teacher who taught me about sticks and canes. People are scared of canes. I was scared of canes.
He taught me you can use two similar pieces - canes, sticks, even two forks - to tap on the body and create a light rhythm anywhere: shoulders, back, buttocks. It doesn't have to be forceful. In fact, it shouldn't be. It should be very light so it becomes hypnotic.
Because I was much more into floggers than canes, I wanted to use that approach with floggers. My experience with floggers had been about buildup, but also just seeing how far you could go. Now I added rhythm.
The Breakthrough That Changed Everything
My breakthrough came when I realized I could combine these approaches and add the dimension of TIME.
I could really take my time, use canes rhythmically, combine rhythmic caning with rhythmic flogging. From then on, sessions would last much, much longer than before and focus on rhythm and the changing states the person was experiencing.
When I started experimenting with this approach, I had a session with my partner that was meant to be brief ‘play’. But I had a bunch of floggers and canes now, and what was supposed to last 30 minutes lasted over an hour and a half.
The result? She was flooded with happiness hormones like I'd never seen.
The Deeper Realization
This breakthrough made me realize that flogging sessions weren't about creating great sensations or trying to get someone to "experience stuff."
I discovered there was a dimension that could help people access a realm of happiness beyond sexual gratification. The rhythm and flogging created a temple - my partner's body became sacred space.
Flogging became more like a prayer, an experience we could go through together. Like call and response in a gospel song - one person calls, the other responds.
I realized I didn't have to talk at all. We had a conversation with our bodies. Body connection became mind connection.
The Wisdom That Emerged
From this experience, I gained profound wisdom about what was actually happening:
**The body stores everything** - emotions, memories, painful experiences that become trauma. It's all there, held in tissues, nervous system, body memory
**Through rhythmic approach building in intensity**, the body becomes so profoundly engaged it opens up and releases what it's been holding
**There's a dual process happening:**
- Chemical: The body releases hormones from physical engagement
- Emotional: The body can't hold onto painful memories when so much is happening - memories get overwhelmed and release in a healing way
**The pleasure paradox:** Because of the buildup and time, this intense experience becomes very pleasant and engaging
**Safety through rhythm:** The rhythmic approach creates safety - like the steady beat that allows music to flow
**Connection beyond words:** As the person giving, paying attention to the receiver creates automatic connection beyond words - we connect mind to mind, body to body
We're making music together. Their body is the musical instrument, and as the person giving, you’re the conductor of their orchestra.
Who I Became Through This Work
When I started teaching this, I began thinking of it as a form of prayer - like mantra singing, except the words aren't prescribed. They constantly shift and change, creating new meaning.
As a teacher, I'm both a kind of priest (because there's magic to this that can only be experienced, not told) and a guide (helping people find that magical place).
This work moved me beyond fascination with BDSM, beyond the whole dominant/submissive dynamic. I became someone who helps people discover themselves.
As I helped others discover themselves, I had to draw on new qualities - leadership, concentration, love and kindness from seeing people in vulnerable states.
You can't help but love people when they're this vulnerable. When you see someone crying, raging, feeling deeply, you cannot help but see the beauty in them. You want to engage with the whole world as if it's your lover.
I became a kinder, wiser, more loving person because of this work.
The Humbling Truth About Teaching
Being able to help others discover a new dimension is profoundly humbling.
Teaching is about growing along with the students and feeling the joy of being able to help them go beyond what I'm teaching.
As a teacher, you want your students to teach you. As a student, you want to know your teacher understands. Interacting with the material, you want to find what you’ve been looking for.
That's what I hope to share with you: strength, courage, wisdom - and joy.